He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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