It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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