Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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