i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
