A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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