Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
