I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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