According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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