Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Watching her eat just hurts me
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
