God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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