she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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