What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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