just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
It's just like the Real World with babies
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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