His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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