I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
