They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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