Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
