Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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