I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
