Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
