i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
