My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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