You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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