sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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