i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I could make wine with my vomit
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
