That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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