Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
