Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
