His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
