you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
