the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
