Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
