On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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