So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
