Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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