so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Randomize
