did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
