Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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