I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
