I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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