i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
