i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
