Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize