i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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