I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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