We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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