i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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