Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
