I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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