i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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