Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
