The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
