dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
