You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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