Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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