these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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