Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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