we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize