Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
