she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize