She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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