I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
