I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
