what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
