i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
