just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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