Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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