I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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