I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
