is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
