My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I got her a Nickelback box set.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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