Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
