you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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