does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
