have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
