got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
