Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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